Not A Christmas Gift Guide

Whether we care to admit it or not, not everyone cares about video games. Weird, I know, as they’re pretty rad. But, some people just can’t see their brilliance. Sadly, this also means they don’t want to hear about it either. So while they are standing there, fully aware you’re addressing them, your Mom, Dad, or whoever isn’t really listening.

This is why we end up with weird gifts. You say one thing and they hear (if you’re lucky) another.

The following are some examples (and possibly warnings) of what you may encounter this Christmas season.

What You’ll Ask For:
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Animal Crossing: New Leaf, Nintendo 3DS

What You’ll Get:
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Funky Barn 3D, Nintendo 3DS

Thanks a lot for that devoted attention there, Aunt Carol. You always wondered why your parents wouldn’t let her babysit. It’s clear now that she can’t follow verbal instructions. The best thing you can hope for is that the 3DS Miiverse contains a community for this monstrosity, allowing the traditions of poor drawings and crude jokes from its Wii U counterpart to carry on.

Maybe she’s trying to send you a message. Are great games taking up too much of your time? Is Animal Crossing so engrossing that she fears she will lose you? I’d believe that if she managed to correctly spell your name in the card. Until then, get used to these half hearted attempts.

What You’ll Ask For:
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Tearaway, PlayStation Vita

What You’ll Almost Get:
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R.I.P.D: The Game, PSN and XBLA

Wow. If this was a prank I’d commend your in-laws for the creativity on display here. However, their note of apology for being unable to provide R.I.P.D.: The Game displays how honest an attempt they made.

Although, it is important to give credit where it’s due; upon your father-in-laws request for ‘Ripped’, a rather ingenious GameStop employee assumed he was speaking of the digital only title, R.I.P.D.: The Game.

A PSN card of any value would have made for a nice replacement, but you should happily accept these Mario themed underwear in its place.

What You’ll Ask For:
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Shin Megami Tensei IV, Nintendo 3DS

What You’ll Get:
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Otomedius Excellent, XBOX 360

“Oh my god…” your sister thought to yourself upon hearing my request, “does he speak Japanese now? Just what the hell was that.”

Instead of seeking clarification, she does what family does best; wing it. You’re siblings, you already hate each other enough, who cares if it’s not exactly what you asked for. Nerd.

With nothing but a mish mash of fake words in her head, she headed straight for WalMart. Upon diving into the bargin bin, she found just what she wanted to find, Otomedius Excellent. Vaguely Japanese? Check. Japanimation girl on the cover? Check. A price she can’t resist? Absolutely.

What You’ll Ask For:
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The Legend of Zelda: A Link Between Worlds, Nintendo 3DS

What You’ll Get:
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The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, Nintendo 3DS

Okay, this one isn’t too bad, and it’s not without precedence. One great Zelda game in place of another? Could be worse (please read the above).

The gift bringer isn’t proving they listen to you any more than usual, but remembering at least half of the game’s title just may be the best you can get.

What You’ll Ask For:
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Soul Sacrifice, PlayStation Vita

What You’ll Get:
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Soul Calibur IV, PlayStation 3 and XBOX 360

I won’t even blame family for this one. This is a case of some asshole CSR telling your loved one that “Soul Calibur IV is waaaaaaay better.” What a jerk.

Since I’m not faulting one party, I won’t blame you either for crying out “Fucking Yoda?…” upon unwrapping this turd. At least the PS3 version has Darth Vader. Sure, mess up the game, but at least nab the right bonus character.

Oh, she lost the receipt? Well, if you trade it in you’ll have a nice dollar sized chunk out of Bayonetta 2. At least Yoda was good for something.

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