What’s The Opposite Of The Midas Touch?

I’d like to think that the damaged goods you’re about to see ended up that way for reasons beyond my control. Sure, I may have made odd decisions that led to their destruction, but it was all very indirect. Well, I say that but I somehow still stay up at night trying to wash this blood from my hands…and it just won’t come off. Two, count ’em TWO Game Boy Advances have fallen victim to these godforsaken hands of mine.


The first was my launch Game Boy Advance SP. I took terrific care of it, and it took even better care of me. I remember getting it, giving my Mom the money for her to pick one up on her way home from work. We had a ball together.

Then I had to up and ruin everything by bringing it into the bathroom, something I don’t tend to do. While ‘toilet gaming’ is common, the thought of poo germs living on my handhelds bothers me. Yet there I was, playing a round of Mario Golf: Advance Tour on the can. As I finished what I had came to do, I placed the SP on the counter top. My cat, possibly seeing the device as a competing source of attention, jumped atop the counter and knocked the SP into a (flushed) toilet bowl. The short time we had together flashed before my eyes; defeating Cackletta in Superstar Saga, wrecking faces with Treecko in Pokémon Ruby, and using its backlight to look under my bed.

It wouldn’t turn on initially, but later resurrected in true ‘monkey’s paw’ fashion. I wished for it to return, but not….not like this.


An entire line of dead pixels? What a strange defect. It may not have died, but it was not something I could live with.

At the time, the DS was looming, so I knew my GBA games would find a home there. After parting ways with my DS Lite early last year, I decided I wanted to pick up a cheap GBA SP. Used was fine, as long as the screen was in good shape. I found a ‘Pearl Blue’ AGS-101 model (the ones that had an ever brighter backlight), and while it had certainly seen its fair share of rough days, its screen was as perfect as I had wanted.

But early this month…it went missing. Lost at sea, drifting along until the day I found it. It had Metal Gear Solid along for the ride, so it had a mate to chat with (and I must admit, the loss of MGS was what really got under my skin). When I did find it, it wasn’t the same Game Boy I had lost. It had morphed into a Game Old Man; broken in places, as if the world had chewed it up and spat it out.


From the looks of it, I just may have to take this thing out back and take it out of its misery. But it still works, so I can’t just lead it out to the river and tell it about our rabbit farm. I’m sure it’s still screaming to be played with, and a little super glue may go a long way, but holy hell what happened to you? I found it in the baby’s diaper bag, so I have no idea just where that bag has been. Is my wife out and about fighting crime with it? I’ll have to confront her about it later.


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