To the left, Hopper.

Oh day of days. Hopper is moving out, folks. It’s been nearly a month, but my constant harassment has finally pushed him out of my otherwise lovely Town.

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Crazy thing is, when I booted up Animal Crossing New Leaf this morning, Isabelle had the nerve to ask me to say my goodbyes. Sorry, I don’t feel like it. All traces of Hopper shall be burned and thrown to the wind.

Why the hostility over a virtual penguin? The answer is as simple as it is true; he’s a total turd.

When I first arrived and stumbled into this mayoral gig, I did a little meet and greet. Shake hands, kiss babies, make promises I wouldn’t keep (you’ll get that fruit you wanted aaaany day now, Kitt), you know, stuff. Eventually I wound up at Hopper’s abode dump. Surrounded by barbed wire, it wasn’t exactly inviting. I wish I would have realized that he didn’t put it there to keep others out, but they had built it to prevent getting in.

By the time our little talk was through, I knew I had to get him out of Cooltown. As the third bird citizen, there just wasn’t room. He was constantly molting, and his blood red eyes gave me the creeps. Either he played host to a variety of demons, or he got that kind of drunk you only see in pictures, the kind where all the blood vessels in your eyes blow up.

Being the mayor, I assumed I could just kick him to the streets, let some other town deal with his issues. As it turned out, I had to be more creative.

Each and every day in Hopper’s life began with several bug net wallops to the face, followed by a push into a buried pit seed. How everyone would laugh, seeing his body twitch and flail as he attempted to get out.

And the letters, my lord the letters I wrote. When I wasn’t critiquing his attire and odour, I was questioning how he made it into Cooltown at all, a place known for its raditude.

After an infuriating psych-out (he informed me of his departure only to take it back when I welcomed his offer), and several bug net induced concussions, he decided enough was enough.

Today is moving day. Don’t worry. Hopper, I’m sure I can find another to take your place. Perhaps a garbage can?

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